Oh No You Didn't

So I have had some awkward calls since I've been working at my new job. I work at a local news station and we got a call today from someone asking when the World Series started.... We aren't GOOGLE! We're a news station. We're not the bank, you can't call for the time and weather... you can only call for news related questions.

911!

Guy: Hi, are you the person who deals with emergency calls?

Nope, that would be 911

I'm a gonna forget it when you leave...

A sweet displaced southern belle called me up today and put into words the exact reason the TV should just have 2 buttons… Soap Opera and Wheel of Fortune.

“I live in the retirement community on the North side of town… So the gentlemen came to set up my cable yesterday and he got it set up and was going over the remote with me and he got another call and had to go to his next appointment, well, I yelled, wait wait wait! Let me write this down or else I’m a gonna forget it when you leave. Well, Sure enough, today comes and I can’t even get my TV to turn on…”

High Rise

One Liner accompanied by a picture:

OLD guy: "I live at 720 blablabla drive in the high rise there, and I have slow internet"







What a high rise looks like:



720 Blablabla Drive:

I'll tell ya why this annoys me...

Guy: How are ya?
Me: I'm great, how are you?
Guy: yeah... I was told you could give me free cable for a year.

1. I asked you a question and you didn't answer... furthermore, I feel like you didn't listen to MY answer.

2. I HATE the phrase, "I was told". It implies that I've already told you I won't give it to you, and you're trying to pull the "the customer's always right" thing with me.

3. Free cable for a year? Who told you that? The image of Mary you found in your toast this morning?

The Candy Bowl

Before:



............................................................................................................................................................




After:
Apparently these people are cheep chocolate snobs and refuse to eat whoppers and chocolate bars...

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I come into work in the morning and swear I can read everyone's minds.

Usually they're saying something like this,

"She dresses better than all of us combined".

NEW JOB!

So, I got a new job. And I'm SO excited. But I'll definitely miss the attitudes around here... the ones I like to make fun of anyways.

So the old lady who talks like a baby came by my desk today and just said, flat out;

"I hope you remember how to work!" (at my new job)

In a baby voice...

I'm not sure if she thinks that she can be a B if she does it in a baby voice. Because it doesn't sound as rude? Nope, sounds just as rude.

I just looked at her confused... not knowing exactly what she meant. Because that couldn't have been a blatant slap in the face. Or was it? YUP! It was. She followed it up with the ever popular, "but I guess you've had your busy days"

I'd like to note that I was wishing earlier today that I smoked like a chimney like her so I could get 20 smoke breaks every day... PS she leaves between 4 and 4:30 every day too.

One Liner of the Day

One liner from the board meeting:

If I want to get a little snoggered and shit goes down, that's my prerogative.

Paying By Check

So one of our customers comes in to drop off a check, and she walks in and says, "do you have an envelope?"

So I hand her an envelope.

She puts the check in the envelope, writes our company name on the envelope, and hands it to me...

I'm the person who enters the checks into the system. There is really no need for an envelope with our name on it. You're here... we know who you're giving the check to. This isn't the USPS.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Me: Good afternoon, thank you for calling how c....
Them: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (while I'm still talking)
Me: can I help you?
Them: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Hide Yo Kids, Hide yo Wife

This may be inappropriate for conservative ears, but bear in mind that I actually witnessed this one liner...

I overheard the owner of the company, a 65ish year old man who golfs 90% of his day and comes into work only to make personal calls and fiddle with his email that he can't get to work.

"My phone keeps calling Candy*, this guy's secretary... I mean, she's a nice looking girl... great tits... but she doesn't want to talk to me about what I want to talk to him about!"


*Names have been changed to further enhance the comedic value of this post

One Liner of the Day

My internet isn't working, the router and modem all look Kosher, but it's still not working.

Kosher? really?

Queen B

Every once in a while when a customer is particularly rude to me, I look them up on Facebook to see why exactly their life is so miserable.

Well today ladies and gents, I hit the JACKPOT.

A blond haired waif of a girl pulled into our parking lot in a big 'ol 2009 Ford SUV and bounced into my waiting room.
Blond: "I'm having trouble with my internet and they told me to bring my modem in to get it tested"
Me: testing testing 123... "yup, your modem is broken, do you know when you bought it?"
B: "August of last year"
Me: Well, it has a one year warrenty so unfortunately you're going to have to buy a new modem."
B: "Why do I have to pay for your faulty modem"
Me: "Actually, since you purchased it, it's your BROKEN modem... And we cover it for one year, but after that it has to be replaced by the customer if it breaks. That's how a warranty works"
B: "They told me I just had to bring in my modem and if it wasn't working they'd swap it out for me"
Me: Well, I'm not sure why they word it that way, but you do infact have to purchase a new modem if your warranty has run out. Just like you have to buy a new computer if your computer breaks... In order to use the internet you will have to buy a new modem.
B: (already on the phone) "DADDY! Now they're telling me I have to buy a new modem for $50!"
B: (now off the phone) "ok, well can you test it for me?"
Me: "test the brand new modem?"
B: "yes, because it worked yesterday and now it just doesn't work"
Me: (in my head) "Ok, that doesn't even make sense"
Me: Yuppers
testing testing 123...
Me: "Works fine, $48 please"
B: "Can you bill this somewhere?"
Me: "Are you taking English in college?"
Me: "No"

TRANSACTION COMPLETE.

So I look this girl up on Facebook after she storms out the door.
HEYO! Jackpot.
She's a PAGEANT QUEEN!


The first 100 pictures of her were of her local pageant victory, and then the passing of the crown the following year.
I've always wondered what it takes to be a pageant queen, so I did some research about her specific pageant and have taken these excerpts from the application.

*Her personality should reflect her qualities of mind and character
*She should be able to project friendliness and graciousness
*She should have a firm, pleasant speaking voice with the ability to speak
extemporaneously and convincingly, when requested
*A candidate must have poise. This includes attributes such as an easy self- assured manner, tact in coping with and handling difficult situations.

I think they got the wrong girl!