Oh No You Didn't

So I have had some awkward calls since I've been working at my new job. I work at a local news station and we got a call today from someone asking when the World Series started.... We aren't GOOGLE! We're a news station. We're not the bank, you can't call for the time and weather... you can only call for news related questions.

911!

Guy: Hi, are you the person who deals with emergency calls?

Nope, that would be 911

I'm a gonna forget it when you leave...

A sweet displaced southern belle called me up today and put into words the exact reason the TV should just have 2 buttons… Soap Opera and Wheel of Fortune.

“I live in the retirement community on the North side of town… So the gentlemen came to set up my cable yesterday and he got it set up and was going over the remote with me and he got another call and had to go to his next appointment, well, I yelled, wait wait wait! Let me write this down or else I’m a gonna forget it when you leave. Well, Sure enough, today comes and I can’t even get my TV to turn on…”

High Rise

One Liner accompanied by a picture:

OLD guy: "I live at 720 blablabla drive in the high rise there, and I have slow internet"







What a high rise looks like:



720 Blablabla Drive:

I'll tell ya why this annoys me...

Guy: How are ya?
Me: I'm great, how are you?
Guy: yeah... I was told you could give me free cable for a year.

1. I asked you a question and you didn't answer... furthermore, I feel like you didn't listen to MY answer.

2. I HATE the phrase, "I was told". It implies that I've already told you I won't give it to you, and you're trying to pull the "the customer's always right" thing with me.

3. Free cable for a year? Who told you that? The image of Mary you found in your toast this morning?

The Candy Bowl

Before:



............................................................................................................................................................




After:
Apparently these people are cheep chocolate snobs and refuse to eat whoppers and chocolate bars...

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I come into work in the morning and swear I can read everyone's minds.

Usually they're saying something like this,

"She dresses better than all of us combined".

NEW JOB!

So, I got a new job. And I'm SO excited. But I'll definitely miss the attitudes around here... the ones I like to make fun of anyways.

So the old lady who talks like a baby came by my desk today and just said, flat out;

"I hope you remember how to work!" (at my new job)

In a baby voice...

I'm not sure if she thinks that she can be a B if she does it in a baby voice. Because it doesn't sound as rude? Nope, sounds just as rude.

I just looked at her confused... not knowing exactly what she meant. Because that couldn't have been a blatant slap in the face. Or was it? YUP! It was. She followed it up with the ever popular, "but I guess you've had your busy days"

I'd like to note that I was wishing earlier today that I smoked like a chimney like her so I could get 20 smoke breaks every day... PS she leaves between 4 and 4:30 every day too.

One Liner of the Day

One liner from the board meeting:

If I want to get a little snoggered and shit goes down, that's my prerogative.

Paying By Check

So one of our customers comes in to drop off a check, and she walks in and says, "do you have an envelope?"

So I hand her an envelope.

She puts the check in the envelope, writes our company name on the envelope, and hands it to me...

I'm the person who enters the checks into the system. There is really no need for an envelope with our name on it. You're here... we know who you're giving the check to. This isn't the USPS.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Me: Good afternoon, thank you for calling how c....
Them: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (while I'm still talking)
Me: can I help you?
Them: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Hide Yo Kids, Hide yo Wife

This may be inappropriate for conservative ears, but bear in mind that I actually witnessed this one liner...

I overheard the owner of the company, a 65ish year old man who golfs 90% of his day and comes into work only to make personal calls and fiddle with his email that he can't get to work.

"My phone keeps calling Candy*, this guy's secretary... I mean, she's a nice looking girl... great tits... but she doesn't want to talk to me about what I want to talk to him about!"


*Names have been changed to further enhance the comedic value of this post

One Liner of the Day

My internet isn't working, the router and modem all look Kosher, but it's still not working.

Kosher? really?

Queen B

Every once in a while when a customer is particularly rude to me, I look them up on Facebook to see why exactly their life is so miserable.

Well today ladies and gents, I hit the JACKPOT.

A blond haired waif of a girl pulled into our parking lot in a big 'ol 2009 Ford SUV and bounced into my waiting room.
Blond: "I'm having trouble with my internet and they told me to bring my modem in to get it tested"
Me: testing testing 123... "yup, your modem is broken, do you know when you bought it?"
B: "August of last year"
Me: Well, it has a one year warrenty so unfortunately you're going to have to buy a new modem."
B: "Why do I have to pay for your faulty modem"
Me: "Actually, since you purchased it, it's your BROKEN modem... And we cover it for one year, but after that it has to be replaced by the customer if it breaks. That's how a warranty works"
B: "They told me I just had to bring in my modem and if it wasn't working they'd swap it out for me"
Me: Well, I'm not sure why they word it that way, but you do infact have to purchase a new modem if your warranty has run out. Just like you have to buy a new computer if your computer breaks... In order to use the internet you will have to buy a new modem.
B: (already on the phone) "DADDY! Now they're telling me I have to buy a new modem for $50!"
B: (now off the phone) "ok, well can you test it for me?"
Me: "test the brand new modem?"
B: "yes, because it worked yesterday and now it just doesn't work"
Me: (in my head) "Ok, that doesn't even make sense"
Me: Yuppers
testing testing 123...
Me: "Works fine, $48 please"
B: "Can you bill this somewhere?"
Me: "Are you taking English in college?"
Me: "No"

TRANSACTION COMPLETE.

So I look this girl up on Facebook after she storms out the door.
HEYO! Jackpot.
She's a PAGEANT QUEEN!


The first 100 pictures of her were of her local pageant victory, and then the passing of the crown the following year.
I've always wondered what it takes to be a pageant queen, so I did some research about her specific pageant and have taken these excerpts from the application.

*Her personality should reflect her qualities of mind and character
*She should be able to project friendliness and graciousness
*She should have a firm, pleasant speaking voice with the ability to speak
extemporaneously and convincingly, when requested
*A candidate must have poise. This includes attributes such as an easy self- assured manner, tact in coping with and handling difficult situations.

I think they got the wrong girl!

Deep Voice

So this guy with a deep voice calls me today and this is how the conversation goes,

Deep Voice: I'm calling about my service
Me: Your internet or TV?
DV: NO! They were coming to my house to set up my service
Me: Your internet or TV?
DV: TV, They were supposed to come between 1 and 5 and I was wondering if they were ever going to come...
(it's 4:12)
Me: Can I get your address?
DV: Hold on ma'am
Me: ok...
DV: That's them. They're here, thanks.
Me: REALLY? really.

It's the little things in life

Here's a one liner that may be overlooked by some who are bigger human beings than I am. But it makes me friggin' crazy.

"And I don't know what's wrong"

as in, "My internet's not working. It says no connectivity and I don't know what's wrong"

CLEARLY you don't know what's wrong... hence the call to TECH SUPPORT!

Graphic Expert Designer

I didn't have time to do someone else's work today, so they got the graphic designer to do it...

Printing lables:
I had a list of about 200 names & addresses in no particular order and I forwarded it to her to do.

Graphic Expert Designer (GED): so like what do you use to make them? like word?

Me: Yes, I go to word and go to the mailings tab and use "labels". You're going to have to type them all out separately.

GED: Blank stare....

Me: Cool?

GED: Blank stare... So is there like a certain template you use?

Me: yeah, there's a number on the labels and you use that template.

GED: Blank stare...

It's Word, not rocket science.

Funds

caller: I just want to make sure there are funds in this account
Me: I'm sorry?
caller: FUNDS! IN THIS ACCOUNT!
Me: Sir, do you have a problem with your internet or directv?
caller: NO! a guy just bought a van from me, I want to know if I can cash this check, if there are funds in this account!

WHAT?!

I don't even know what to say to this.

American Idol

The old lady who talks like a baby and smokes like a chimney is either pretending to be a ghost or she's singing...

but I'm pretty sure she's recording herself

ETA

When to use the phrase "ETA" (Estimated Time of Arrival)
-you're in the military
-you're a police officer
-you're the President or you're referring to the President's arrival

When NOT to use "ETA"
-when you're asking a clown what time he'll be at your child's birthday party
-when you're wondering how long it will be 'till you can eat the cookies your mom is making
-when you call to ask what time the cable guy will be at your house...

This isn't NASA.

Just Spit it Out

"I was given a name that I was supposed to call this number and ask for because I was talking to an associate and he gave me his name and I was supposed to call and ask for him but he didn't give me his extension... so........"

Out of Warranty

Two customers came in with a modem that we sell in a little plastic bag and shoved it in my face saying it wasn't working and they need a new one. They informed me that they bought it one year ago and handed me the receipt. (They purchased it in March of 2009) (It's the end of September 2010)

Here's a little peak at our lovely conversation.

Me: unfortunately the warranty is only one year, so you will have to purchase a new modem for $48 or purchase a power source somewhere like Radio Shack for around $37.

Them: The warranty is up?! I must be able to get a discount because I brought in the modem that isn't working.

Me: unfortunately once the warranty is up you are responsible to purchase a new modem if it breaks.

Them: I don't understand why your company makes me buy my own modem when I'm supposed to have free internet.

Me: that's something to take up with your property manager, however, I do know that they will tell you, you have to buy the equipment to make the internet work. Like you have to buy a computer to get the internet, you also have to buy a modem.

Them: well, the warranty JUST expired, so I think there's a discount.

Me: I assure you there is no discount, and the warranty expired 6 months ago.

Them: When I buy a product I expect it to work for three years!

Me: Those are rather lofty expectations for a product that has a warranty of one year.

Them: So what's wrong with it

Me: The power source is broken, I have heard that Radio Shack has power sources for sale, however I haven't ever been there to check for sure.

Them: So you know for certain the Radio Shack here in town has them?

Me: No, I assume based on what other people have told me that they have them available for $37.

Them: $37?!?! and the whole modem is $41?!

Me: Actually the modem is $48

Them: $48?!?! On this receipt it says $44.

Me: Well, that is what we sold that modem for at that time. We've gotten a new model and raised the prices accordingly.

Them: So if we order a power source online, we can't get internet until we get it?

Me: (in my head) that's usually how it works... You can't use a product that you order until you receive it.

Me: (out loud) no. You can't

They spoke in a language I don't understand for about 5 minutes and then took their modem and left.

I would like to note that I have three modems left... and I'm not expecting a new shipment until Thursday or Friday. So if they come in and I'm out of modems, I'm going to get an ear full. And I'm 100% sure they'll want a discount.

I'm considering letting them know that I'm NOT charging them the annoyance fee that I really should be.

One

Is this Impact Engine?

One Liner

Hi, this is Jake* from WIS and I'm wondering when our air conditioning is going to be working again.

(remember, we do internet and cable TV installations)

Last Nugget

One last little gem for the day.

I got a call from a customer who has called (no joke) 7 times between 3:00 and now (4:53) and I call the person who she's calling for (who hasn't called her back this entire time) and I say, can we take care of her so she doesn't call again?

I'm met with, "I know it's not as bad for you as it is for us"

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY.

I have to answer ALL of your phone calls, I can't tell anyone to put anyone else into voice mail or take a message. I not only take all your calls, but every other person in this office of 35 because there's no way of calling anyone without going through me. So you think YOU have it worse than me. I'd like to point out that this person has called 7 times and NEVER ONCE talked to you. So basically the score is, Me: 7, you 0.

Shove it.

Deoderize PULEASE!

Take a Hint

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deodorant

Anna (More recently)

So Anna (aka my fav) was walking up to take some calls while I went to lunch. A number pops up that I recognize as someone who speaks Spanish who was calling for our resident Latino. She answers it rather brashly and hangs up right away without saying anything. I look at her horrified and she replies, "mexicans..." to which I respond with an equally if not MORE horrified look.

ARE YOU A HUMAN BEING?!

The Tale of Anna

She is really an unfriendly person who is rude on the phone and talks about people behind their back. I try to stay chummy with her because she has the tendency to tattle and throw people under the bus... And she seems to be chummy with OUR boss somehow.

But every once in a while she ENRAGES me.

The other day a customer came in who needed to speak with her specifically, so I went back to her desk, and walked around the corner to find her on FARMTOWN and listening to music on some giant headphones. So I signal to take it off and explain the problem.

So she tells me, just tell him this and this and this... I could come up there, but I really need to finish this.

FINISH WHAT?! FARMTOWN?! YAGOTTABEKIDDINME.

FAVORITE CO-WORKER CHAMPION OF THE WORLD

So my favorite co-worker Anna* (that's not her real name but she reminds me of Anna Nicole when she was a hot mess) (May she rest in peace) (Anna Nicole, not my co-worker, she's alive and kickin')

ANYHOO

Anna, when I first started she was REALLY excited about me working here. There aren't too many girls, so she seemed pumped. But when it came time for lunch, her and her bff walked right past me and hit the door. The guy who was training me said, HEY! Anna, do you want to bring her with you to lunch? you guys can bond! Anna was not excited, but she said, "yeah whatever, come on".

YAY!

So on my first week of work a regular customer came in and Anna was sitting up with me. We chit chatted with her and she went on her way. Anna informed me that the lady who just left used to be BIG, I mean HUGE. In fact, she was in between Anna and my sizes... Anna is slightly smaller than me, but much more out of shape. (she eats B-Bops and Burger King almost EVERY day... if she's not munching on the Pizza Hut Buffet.)

AKA this lady was HUGE, but not quite as big as me...

BTW I wouldn't consider myself "HUGE" I'm very athletic and workout about an hour every day... And I eat tons of protein and fruits and vegis and hardly ever eat fast food... Yeah, I could benefit from losing some weight, but I'm working on it.

So a few months into the job she was chatting with me (because in her mind we had become BFFs) and she let it slip that she was REALLY excited for me to work there because the last girl who started was REALLY pretty and all the guys drooled all over her. And I was just average looking, so I wasn't as much competition for her and her bff... and then she tried to save it by explaining that me, her, and her sister were all "a little more than average looking"

You can't make this shit up.

*Names have been changed so I can keep my job

Favorite Co-worker runner up

Daniel* doesn't like to check is voice mail, so instead of putting people into his voice mail, I have to take their name and number and a message if he doesn't want to take their call... or if he's out of the office.

Message I emailed to Daniel: Daniel, your dentist office called, here is their number

Daniel: When you leave me a message will you tell me which dentist office it is?
me (in my head): tell your dentist to call you at home
me (out loud): do you have more than one dentist?
Daniel: um.. ur... hm... ye..n...well you get the point, be more descriptive in your messages.
me (in my head): maybe like every other professional person in the WORLD you should check your voice mail when you get back in the office instead of me taking notes for you like I'm your freaking geisha.
me (out loud): whatever.

*Names have been changed so I can keep my job

"JAUE"

Apparently one of my co-workers (who's name is nothing like JAUE) signs for packages all the time as "Jaue". This is for the ease of anyone in the office who gets a call asking who "JAUE" was who accepted a package that wasn't meant for us... And it makes it really easy to figure out where the package went because I know exactly who to ask...

(this is all sarcasm)

One of my Favorite Co-workers

me: Larry* (prez of the company who never takes any calls) I have Linda* from IMG insurance on line 1

Larry: IMT! it's IMT insurance

me: ok

Larry: that's why I missed it the first time

me: ok

me: (in my head) REALLY REALLY REALLY?!

one letter threw you off huh

maybe you should take all your calls

PS

I'm not going to say, I as in Idiot?

M as in Maniac?

G as in Go to hell?

*Names have been changed so I can keep my job

Strange Callers

Customer: "I'm moving and I don't even know what ICS does"

Me: (in my head) Why are you calling me...

Me: (out loud) ok, we do cable and internet installation

Customer: OK.

*silence*

Me: Do you want me to transfer you to someone about cable? or internet?

Customer: Yes

Me: Ok, I will transfer you to someone about cable first then

Me: (in my head) and then I'll come to your house and wipe your butt when you're done going poo poo in the pee pee.