So this guy with a deep voice calls me today and this is how the conversation goes,
Deep Voice: I'm calling about my service
Me: Your internet or TV?
DV: NO! They were coming to my house to set up my service
Me: Your internet or TV?
DV: TV, They were supposed to come between 1 and 5 and I was wondering if they were ever going to come...
(it's 4:12)
Me: Can I get your address?
DV: Hold on ma'am
Me: ok...
DV: That's them. They're here, thanks.
Me: REALLY? really.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
It's the little things in life
Here's a one liner that may be overlooked by some who are bigger human beings than I am. But it makes me friggin' crazy.
"And I don't know what's wrong"
as in, "My internet's not working. It says no connectivity and I don't know what's wrong"
CLEARLY you don't know what's wrong... hence the call to TECH SUPPORT!
"And I don't know what's wrong"
as in, "My internet's not working. It says no connectivity and I don't know what's wrong"
CLEARLY you don't know what's wrong... hence the call to TECH SUPPORT!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Graphic Expert Designer
I didn't have time to do someone else's work today, so they got the graphic designer to do it...
Printing lables:
I had a list of about 200 names & addresses in no particular order and I forwarded it to her to do.
Graphic Expert Designer (GED): so like what do you use to make them? like word?
Me: Yes, I go to word and go to the mailings tab and use "labels". You're going to have to type them all out separately.
GED: Blank stare....
Me: Cool?
GED: Blank stare... So is there like a certain template you use?
Me: yeah, there's a number on the labels and you use that template.
GED: Blank stare...
It's Word, not rocket science.
Printing lables:
I had a list of about 200 names & addresses in no particular order and I forwarded it to her to do.
Graphic Expert Designer (GED): so like what do you use to make them? like word?
Me: Yes, I go to word and go to the mailings tab and use "labels". You're going to have to type them all out separately.
GED: Blank stare....
Me: Cool?
GED: Blank stare... So is there like a certain template you use?
Me: yeah, there's a number on the labels and you use that template.
GED: Blank stare...
It's Word, not rocket science.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Funds
caller: I just want to make sure there are funds in this account
Me: I'm sorry?
caller: FUNDS! IN THIS ACCOUNT!
Me: Sir, do you have a problem with your internet or directv?
caller: NO! a guy just bought a van from me, I want to know if I can cash this check, if there are funds in this account!
WHAT?!
I don't even know what to say to this.
Me: I'm sorry?
caller: FUNDS! IN THIS ACCOUNT!
Me: Sir, do you have a problem with your internet or directv?
caller: NO! a guy just bought a van from me, I want to know if I can cash this check, if there are funds in this account!
WHAT?!
I don't even know what to say to this.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
American Idol
The old lady who talks like a baby and smokes like a chimney is either pretending to be a ghost or she's singing...
but I'm pretty sure she's recording herself
but I'm pretty sure she's recording herself
ETA
When to use the phrase "ETA" (Estimated Time of Arrival)
-you're in the military
-you're a police officer
-you're the President or you're referring to the President's arrival
When NOT to use "ETA"
-when you're asking a clown what time he'll be at your child's birthday party
-when you're wondering how long it will be 'till you can eat the cookies your mom is making
-when you call to ask what time the cable guy will be at your house...
This isn't NASA.
-you're in the military
-you're a police officer
-you're the President or you're referring to the President's arrival
When NOT to use "ETA"
-when you're asking a clown what time he'll be at your child's birthday party
-when you're wondering how long it will be 'till you can eat the cookies your mom is making
-when you call to ask what time the cable guy will be at your house...
This isn't NASA.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Just Spit it Out
"I was given a name that I was supposed to call this number and ask for because I was talking to an associate and he gave me his name and I was supposed to call and ask for him but he didn't give me his extension... so........"
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Out of Warranty
Two customers came in with a modem that we sell in a little plastic bag and shoved it in my face saying it wasn't working and they need a new one. They informed me that they bought it one year ago and handed me the receipt. (They purchased it in March of 2009) (It's the end of September 2010)
Here's a little peak at our lovely conversation.
Me: unfortunately the warranty is only one year, so you will have to purchase a new modem for $48 or purchase a power source somewhere like Radio Shack for around $37.
Them: The warranty is up?! I must be able to get a discount because I brought in the modem that isn't working.
Me: unfortunately once the warranty is up you are responsible to purchase a new modem if it breaks.
Them: I don't understand why your company makes me buy my own modem when I'm supposed to have free internet.
Me: that's something to take up with your property manager, however, I do know that they will tell you, you have to buy the equipment to make the internet work. Like you have to buy a computer to get the internet, you also have to buy a modem.
Them: well, the warranty JUST expired, so I think there's a discount.
Me: I assure you there is no discount, and the warranty expired 6 months ago.
Them: When I buy a product I expect it to work for three years!
Me: Those are rather lofty expectations for a product that has a warranty of one year.
Them: So what's wrong with it
Me: The power source is broken, I have heard that Radio Shack has power sources for sale, however I haven't ever been there to check for sure.
Them: So you know for certain the Radio Shack here in town has them?
Me: No, I assume based on what other people have told me that they have them available for $37.
Them: $37?!?! and the whole modem is $41?!
Me: Actually the modem is $48
Them: $48?!?! On this receipt it says $44.
Me: Well, that is what we sold that modem for at that time. We've gotten a new model and raised the prices accordingly.
Them: So if we order a power source online, we can't get internet until we get it?
Me: (in my head) that's usually how it works... You can't use a product that you order until you receive it.
Me: (out loud) no. You can't
They spoke in a language I don't understand for about 5 minutes and then took their modem and left.
I would like to note that I have three modems left... and I'm not expecting a new shipment until Thursday or Friday. So if they come in and I'm out of modems, I'm going to get an ear full. And I'm 100% sure they'll want a discount.
I'm considering letting them know that I'm NOT charging them the annoyance fee that I really should be.
Here's a little peak at our lovely conversation.
Me: unfortunately the warranty is only one year, so you will have to purchase a new modem for $48 or purchase a power source somewhere like Radio Shack for around $37.
Them: The warranty is up?! I must be able to get a discount because I brought in the modem that isn't working.
Me: unfortunately once the warranty is up you are responsible to purchase a new modem if it breaks.
Them: I don't understand why your company makes me buy my own modem when I'm supposed to have free internet.
Me: that's something to take up with your property manager, however, I do know that they will tell you, you have to buy the equipment to make the internet work. Like you have to buy a computer to get the internet, you also have to buy a modem.
Them: well, the warranty JUST expired, so I think there's a discount.
Me: I assure you there is no discount, and the warranty expired 6 months ago.
Them: When I buy a product I expect it to work for three years!
Me: Those are rather lofty expectations for a product that has a warranty of one year.
Them: So what's wrong with it
Me: The power source is broken, I have heard that Radio Shack has power sources for sale, however I haven't ever been there to check for sure.
Them: So you know for certain the Radio Shack here in town has them?
Me: No, I assume based on what other people have told me that they have them available for $37.
Them: $37?!?! and the whole modem is $41?!
Me: Actually the modem is $48
Them: $48?!?! On this receipt it says $44.
Me: Well, that is what we sold that modem for at that time. We've gotten a new model and raised the prices accordingly.
Them: So if we order a power source online, we can't get internet until we get it?
Me: (in my head) that's usually how it works... You can't use a product that you order until you receive it.
Me: (out loud) no. You can't
They spoke in a language I don't understand for about 5 minutes and then took their modem and left.
I would like to note that I have three modems left... and I'm not expecting a new shipment until Thursday or Friday. So if they come in and I'm out of modems, I'm going to get an ear full. And I'm 100% sure they'll want a discount.
I'm considering letting them know that I'm NOT charging them the annoyance fee that I really should be.
One Liner
Hi, this is Jake* from WIS and I'm wondering when our air conditioning is going to be working again.
(remember, we do internet and cable TV installations)
(remember, we do internet and cable TV installations)
Monday, September 20, 2010
Last Nugget
One last little gem for the day.
I got a call from a customer who has called (no joke) 7 times between 3:00 and now (4:53) and I call the person who she's calling for (who hasn't called her back this entire time) and I say, can we take care of her so she doesn't call again?
I'm met with, "I know it's not as bad for you as it is for us"
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY.
I have to answer ALL of your phone calls, I can't tell anyone to put anyone else into voice mail or take a message. I not only take all your calls, but every other person in this office of 35 because there's no way of calling anyone without going through me. So you think YOU have it worse than me. I'd like to point out that this person has called 7 times and NEVER ONCE talked to you. So basically the score is, Me: 7, you 0.
Shove it.
I got a call from a customer who has called (no joke) 7 times between 3:00 and now (4:53) and I call the person who she's calling for (who hasn't called her back this entire time) and I say, can we take care of her so she doesn't call again?
I'm met with, "I know it's not as bad for you as it is for us"
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY.
I have to answer ALL of your phone calls, I can't tell anyone to put anyone else into voice mail or take a message. I not only take all your calls, but every other person in this office of 35 because there's no way of calling anyone without going through me. So you think YOU have it worse than me. I'd like to point out that this person has called 7 times and NEVER ONCE talked to you. So basically the score is, Me: 7, you 0.
Shove it.
Anna (More recently)
So Anna (aka my fav) was walking up to take some calls while I went to lunch. A number pops up that I recognize as someone who speaks Spanish who was calling for our resident Latino. She answers it rather brashly and hangs up right away without saying anything. I look at her horrified and she replies, "mexicans..." to which I respond with an equally if not MORE horrified look.
ARE YOU A HUMAN BEING?!
ARE YOU A HUMAN BEING?!
The Tale of Anna
She is really an unfriendly person who is rude on the phone and talks about people behind their back. I try to stay chummy with her because she has the tendency to tattle and throw people under the bus... And she seems to be chummy with OUR boss somehow.
But every once in a while she ENRAGES me.
The other day a customer came in who needed to speak with her specifically, so I went back to her desk, and walked around the corner to find her on FARMTOWN and listening to music on some giant headphones. So I signal to take it off and explain the problem.
So she tells me, just tell him this and this and this... I could come up there, but I really need to finish this.
FINISH WHAT?! FARMTOWN?! YAGOTTABEKIDDINME.
But every once in a while she ENRAGES me.
The other day a customer came in who needed to speak with her specifically, so I went back to her desk, and walked around the corner to find her on FARMTOWN and listening to music on some giant headphones. So I signal to take it off and explain the problem.
So she tells me, just tell him this and this and this... I could come up there, but I really need to finish this.
FINISH WHAT?! FARMTOWN?! YAGOTTABEKIDDINME.
FAVORITE CO-WORKER CHAMPION OF THE WORLD
So my favorite co-worker Anna* (that's not her real name but she reminds me of Anna Nicole when she was a hot mess) (May she rest in peace) (Anna Nicole, not my co-worker, she's alive and kickin')
ANYHOO
Anna, when I first started she was REALLY excited about me working here. There aren't too many girls, so she seemed pumped. But when it came time for lunch, her and her bff walked right past me and hit the door. The guy who was training me said, HEY! Anna, do you want to bring her with you to lunch? you guys can bond! Anna was not excited, but she said, "yeah whatever, come on".
YAY!
So on my first week of work a regular customer came in and Anna was sitting up with me. We chit chatted with her and she went on her way. Anna informed me that the lady who just left used to be BIG, I mean HUGE. In fact, she was in between Anna and my sizes... Anna is slightly smaller than me, but much more out of shape. (she eats B-Bops and Burger King almost EVERY day... if she's not munching on the Pizza Hut Buffet.)
AKA this lady was HUGE, but not quite as big as me...
BTW I wouldn't consider myself "HUGE" I'm very athletic and workout about an hour every day... And I eat tons of protein and fruits and vegis and hardly ever eat fast food... Yeah, I could benefit from losing some weight, but I'm working on it.
So a few months into the job she was chatting with me (because in her mind we had become BFFs) and she let it slip that she was REALLY excited for me to work there because the last girl who started was REALLY pretty and all the guys drooled all over her. And I was just average looking, so I wasn't as much competition for her and her bff... and then she tried to save it by explaining that me, her, and her sister were all "a little more than average looking"
You can't make this shit up.
*Names have been changed so I can keep my job
ANYHOO
Anna, when I first started she was REALLY excited about me working here. There aren't too many girls, so she seemed pumped. But when it came time for lunch, her and her bff walked right past me and hit the door. The guy who was training me said, HEY! Anna, do you want to bring her with you to lunch? you guys can bond! Anna was not excited, but she said, "yeah whatever, come on".
YAY!
So on my first week of work a regular customer came in and Anna was sitting up with me. We chit chatted with her and she went on her way. Anna informed me that the lady who just left used to be BIG, I mean HUGE. In fact, she was in between Anna and my sizes... Anna is slightly smaller than me, but much more out of shape. (she eats B-Bops and Burger King almost EVERY day... if she's not munching on the Pizza Hut Buffet.)
AKA this lady was HUGE, but not quite as big as me...
BTW I wouldn't consider myself "HUGE" I'm very athletic and workout about an hour every day... And I eat tons of protein and fruits and vegis and hardly ever eat fast food... Yeah, I could benefit from losing some weight, but I'm working on it.
So a few months into the job she was chatting with me (because in her mind we had become BFFs) and she let it slip that she was REALLY excited for me to work there because the last girl who started was REALLY pretty and all the guys drooled all over her. And I was just average looking, so I wasn't as much competition for her and her bff... and then she tried to save it by explaining that me, her, and her sister were all "a little more than average looking"
You can't make this shit up.
*Names have been changed so I can keep my job
Favorite Co-worker runner up
Daniel* doesn't like to check is voice mail, so instead of putting people into his voice mail, I have to take their name and number and a message if he doesn't want to take their call... or if he's out of the office.
Message I emailed to Daniel: Daniel, your dentist office called, here is their number
Daniel: When you leave me a message will you tell me which dentist office it is?
me (in my head): tell your dentist to call you at home
me (out loud): do you have more than one dentist?
Daniel: um.. ur... hm... ye..n...well you get the point, be more descriptive in your messages.
me (in my head): maybe like every other professional person in the WORLD you should check your voice mail when you get back in the office instead of me taking notes for you like I'm your freaking geisha.
me (out loud): whatever.
*Names have been changed so I can keep my job
"JAUE"
Apparently one of my co-workers (who's name is nothing like JAUE) signs for packages all the time as "Jaue". This is for the ease of anyone in the office who gets a call asking who "JAUE" was who accepted a package that wasn't meant for us... And it makes it really easy to figure out where the package went because I know exactly who to ask...
(this is all sarcasm)
(this is all sarcasm)
One of my Favorite Co-workers
me: Larry* (prez of the company who never takes any calls) I have Linda* from IMG insurance on line 1
Larry: IMT! it's IMT insurance
me: ok
Larry: that's why I missed it the first time
me: ok
me: (in my head) REALLY REALLY REALLY?!
one letter threw you off huh
maybe you should take all your calls
PS
I'm not going to say, I as in Idiot?
M as in Maniac?
G as in Go to hell?
*Names have been changed so I can keep my job
Strange Callers
Customer: "I'm moving and I don't even know what ICS does"
Me: (in my head) Why are you calling me...
Me: (out loud) ok, we do cable and internet installation
Customer: OK.
*silence*
Me: Do you want me to transfer you to someone about cable? or internet?
Customer: Yes
Me: Ok, I will transfer you to someone about cable first then
Me: (in my head) and then I'll come to your house and wipe your butt when you're done going poo poo in the pee pee.
Something's not right in her head...
So today this lady called us COMPLETELY INSANE and demanded to talk to the manager and then the manager's manager and yelled and screamed. She was saying her remote didn't work and she had just changed the batteries... And she was having trouble with her TV. So she DEMANDED we send someone out there NOW or she would cancel her service and tell everyone in her apartment building that we were the worst.
However, she wasn't at home. But her mom was!
So we all bend over backwards to send someone out there...
The batteries in her remote were in BACKWARDS. And her mom was trying to get a channel she didn't have.
BRILLIANT!
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